Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
