well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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