im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
