Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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