woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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