Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
