i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
