Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
