I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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