I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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