I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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