thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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