I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
