Yo dont text me then not text me
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
