Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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