Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
