So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
