When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
