Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
