I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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