im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
