so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
