i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
