I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize