She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
