I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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