My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
