I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
