whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
