Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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