why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
