So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
