so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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