my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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