Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
