In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
