White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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