I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
