my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
