We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
