Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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