sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
