just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
