He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
