hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
