Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
