First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
