woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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