life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.