thanks...oh and i got my period
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.