i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
