I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
