I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
