at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
