I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
