I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
