No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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