I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
