piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Randomize
