fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
