I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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