If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
