I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
