it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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